It’s a new relationship, and the feeling is deliciously inexplicable. You are all warm and exhilarated ; excited because somehow you’re sure things won’t be like they were with the last guy, or the one before him. He’s like the magnet to your metal; you both can barely keep your hands to yourselves. You resolve not to rush into anything even as those feelings relentlessly reach a crescendo. You try not to get to that point where you surrender…just yet. But can you?
Sexual desire is a very natural part of the chemistry between two people who care about each other; a very necessary ingredient to a certain kind of love. As it is with every good thing, maximum guilt free enjoyment comes from indulging such desires under the proper setting-marriage. Though ideal, the idea of abstaining from premarital sex has become more unpopular as our civilisation evolves. Hormonal surges and other external influences have transported us to a place where sexual intimacy seems to have been elevated above other essential elements which make up a good solid relationship; the direct consequence being that we may not be willing to stop and discover the qualities of persons we may be attracted to barring the presence of sexual activities.
Many are quick to admit how important sex is to them; take Nnamdi, a 28 year old engineer for instance; “No,” he said when asked if he would ever consider being in a non-sexual, relationship, “I know myself too well; if I’m not getting sex from my girlfriend then it’s most likely that I will cheat on her. Sex is very important to me. “Or Jane, 26, a lawyer who agrees with him, “How else can I bond with my boyfriend if we aren’t having sex?”
However, some others are of the opinion that a non sexual relationship does not necessarily equate a non physical one; there are so many other ways to stay physically bonded without sexual intercourse and being able to control desires allow the partners to get to know each other on a deeper, intellectual and emotional level. Uso, a 27 year old graphic artist who is currently in a non sexual relationship says, “It has not been easy, but because this is what my boyfriend and I want, we discussed it at the very beginning and agreed that we won’t cross that boundary. Somehow, we have made it to our second year.”
On the other hand, 25 year old Ndali, an entrepreneur, holds a similar opinion: “It’s okay to agree not to have sex for a while but if it extends for too long, your boyfriend might start to thinking about going elsewhere to satisfy his needs. “As solid as this argument appears, it does beg the question: has a woman’s willingness to have sex ever prevented a man, prone to cheating, from doing so? Sex isn’t just the 5, 10 or 15 minutes spent; it is the backlash of emotions that comes along with it ,” says relationship expert, Dr. Yolanda N. George-David (PhD).
…to be continued tomorrow
Excerpt from Nnenna Olike’s “Celibacy Blues” published in Genevieve Magazine’s April 2013 edition.