“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.”
-John Allen Paulos
I have always been a relationship type of girl.
I was with my ex-boyfriend for 5 years. Before that I was with another man for 2 years. Now I am single an trying to adjust.
Recently some questions have bounced around in mind: What happened to me during those years? What did I get, gain, achieve in these two relationships? Why am I now alone? What will I do? How do I do things by myself?
Now what? Where to start?
I started to panic, to hyperventilate—until I found this quote:
“Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”
Yes, I am scared. I was so used to sharing everything. I was so used to having someone around.
But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else?
So I went on this journey – which I am still on, of finding myself again.
I learnt so many things down the line and I am still learning. Where are a few for those still trying to find themselves after a relationship:
1. Being single is a call to focus on yourself.
Sometimes being in a relationship can make you lazy about developing yourself. You can get so comfortable that your goals take a back seat. You focus purely on making the relationship work and rather than being better for yourself, you want to be better for the other person. When you are single, it forces you to look at yourself and develop yourself.
2. You’re not alone when you’re single; you still have family and good friends.
I remember always feeling so lost in my relationship I forgot to nurture a lot of my friendships. I stop hanging out with people that I love and loved me. I was so focused on my partner that I lost myself. Not to say that all relationships do that to you.
Now, I have been able to rebuild a lot of those relationships back up. I know for sure I can always share my happiness and sorrow with them. I can always depend on them without feeling the slightest bit of guilt. And now that I’m single, I have even more time to devote to being there for them.
3. Being single does not have to mean being afraid to love.
My heart has been bashed, bruised, and broken. But I don’t feel traumatized. I am not going to lie, I use to. The idea of being with someone and opening up scared me so much.
I know I will love again. Hopefully the next someone will treasure and treat my heart with love and respect.
And being open to love isn’t just about jumping into another relationship, It is just about being open to what life has to offer.
4. It’s only after you have lost everything that you are free to find out what you were missing.
Sometimes you have to lose everything to start all over and find out what you were truly missing. I can’t even begin to give you a list of the amount of things I lost. I shed so many tears, I prayed so many times, I starved myself, I was weak at so many point but its all a lesson.
Now that I’m single, I have an opportunity to do all the things I put off while I was putting all my energy into my relationships. I have to believe that I will eventually have the things I lost, but for now I’m taking this time to enjoy myself and complete myself.
5. If you don’t let go of the past, you will never appreciate the present.
Yes, I have fond memories of my exes, but that was in the past. I know I will always cherish those memories, but I need to stop clinging to them to live for today and plan for tomorrow.
Buddha said every day you are born again, that means new experiences and adventures for today, tomorrow and the day after that.
6. Change can sometimes be good.
I remember how scared I was of the change I was going to have to go through without my boyfriend at the time.
A massive part of me still feels afraid of this quick change. Adaptation takes time, yet I’m already thinking of all the possibilities—meeting new people, going to new places, tackling new projects.
7. Finally. Being single gives you time to be by yourself, with yourself.
Finally, some me time. This is the time to reconnect with myself, a time where I can talk to myself, debating all the questions and answers that are bouncing in my head.
This is the time of reflection. This is the time of acceptance and letting go, which brings me to the second point.
So don’t let this time hold you back. Set yourself free and live your life with love in your heart.